A Word About Pap Smears

I mean, seriously...

I have the utmost respect for doctors (except the one at Doctor's Care on James Island). They work hard. They generally deal with sick people and stressful situations all day. I respect nurses more, because I think that they actually do all the work, but really, I have no problem with doctors.

Except when they lack bedside manner.

Now, it's the first week of March. And during the first week of March for the past six years, I have gone to get my hoo-hah examined. This is all fine and good, a necessity. I complain about it less and less with each visit. And today I wasn't going to complain at all! I mean, I sat in the waiting room for only 5 minutes before getting my vitals taken. Another ten minutes and I was in the exam room being asked to, "take everything off as the doctor will be in shortly."

Shortly...as in...45 minutes later. Now folks, Charleston, SC has never seen cold like it has seen cold the past two weeks. So laying on a table in my altogethers with the "sheet" of paper provided to keep me covered up...for forty-five minutes? Even that is all fine and good; perhaps there was a little baby being born somewhere as I froze to death in the next room.

But when my doctor breezed in and exclaimed, "so I see you're worried about your weight...," things truly went downhill.

So, a little advice for my doctor friends.

(1) If your patient must wait in the nude for you, provide a heated bed.

(2) US healthcare benefits suck. In the five minutes you spend with me, I would like you to be concerned with me. I would rather not pay out the nose, plus the deductible, plus the co-pay to hear about your daughter's science fair project.

(3) When your patient is butt-naked and freezing cold, it's probably not the best idea to bring up her weight, and then to proceed to tell her that her methods of exercise really are not exercise at all. Even if it is the truth.

(4) It's probably not the best idea to continue to talk about how wonderful your methods of exercise are as you cram a speculum up your patient's vajayjay. A little respect. Perhaps some lavender scented candles. Soft music. A glass of wine. But don't go on and on about how you run 6 miles every evening on your fancy treadmill (that you can afford because you're a doctor) while you accost your patient.

(5) Go ahead and have that scrip for Zoloft filled out before you even walk in the door.

A passionate blog from a passionate person. And my hoo-hah is just fine.