A Slap in the Face
>> Sunday, November 23, 2008
Soooo. I was going to start this post by saying that I am embarrased to have wiped the dust off my Bible tonight. And then I read my previous post. I suck.
I've been riding a wave for a few months...surrounded by great colleagues at work...enjoying my students who say the funniest things and truly entertain me for eight hours of the day...learning the game of golf...hours upon hours of Wii boxing...truly not a care in the world!
And when I am not stressed, I tend not to look inward. And when I do not look inward, I live in this state of pride and selfishness that is so blinding that it makes me see only what I want to see.
And then God slaps me in the face.
I spent time with my dear friends, Mark and Nicole, on Sunday. Expecting their first child in December, it's been really fun talking about the future with them. And then Tuesday Mark called down to my classroom - Nicole delivered Ena Kathryn on Wednesday morning after God knows how many hours of labor, with me watching the contractions on the monitor and discouraging Mark from saying innapropriate things to Nic in the middle of it all. Five weeks premature. Now, I love babies. And I've seen lots of them. But never have I seen anything as tiny and perfect as sweet little Ena. Today was the first day that I held her and in those thirty minutes of her in my arms, I was once again reminded of how Great He Is. How Ever Present. How His Hand is in Everything, though I cycle through the moments when I don't acknowledge It.
So, last week was a time of reflecting and praise for this sweet little life.
And then Friday morning came. And I did not pass my boards. And there was such frustration and screaming and crying because I really felt like I deserved to pass. I felt entitled to pass.
Ah, there's the rub.
My selfish entitlement.
When I picked up my God's Word tonight (and my 90 Day study of David that I've been reading though for a year...), I was reminded through Isaiah's words, "Your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear." I have always been an expectant one...looking ahead and what I do not have. But I get so wrapped up in my own sin that I do not see the blessings in front of me. How frustrating it must be for my Father to watch me go through this cycle time and time again.
When we focus more on our battles than on God, our enemy appears bigger, we appear weaker, and our God appears smaller. This cannot be.
If I could, I would sit in the level 2 nursery and love on Ena for all eternity. If I could, I would would make sure I pass my boards this second time around. If I could, I would make sure that my Bible never becomes dusty again. But once again I'm reminded that I need more than my own strength to do these things. I thank God for humbling me through Ena's early birth and my own earthly failure. I am thankful that the wave I was riding crashed last week and left me tiring of treading water. And I pray that I keep my eyes on the One who keeps His eyes on me.
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I've been riding a wave for a few months...surrounded by great colleagues at work...enjoying my students who say the funniest things and truly entertain me for eight hours of the day...learning the game of golf...hours upon hours of Wii boxing...truly not a care in the world!
And when I am not stressed, I tend not to look inward. And when I do not look inward, I live in this state of pride and selfishness that is so blinding that it makes me see only what I want to see.
And then God slaps me in the face.
I spent time with my dear friends, Mark and Nicole, on Sunday. Expecting their first child in December, it's been really fun talking about the future with them. And then Tuesday Mark called down to my classroom - Nicole delivered Ena Kathryn on Wednesday morning after God knows how many hours of labor, with me watching the contractions on the monitor and discouraging Mark from saying innapropriate things to Nic in the middle of it all. Five weeks premature. Now, I love babies. And I've seen lots of them. But never have I seen anything as tiny and perfect as sweet little Ena. Today was the first day that I held her and in those thirty minutes of her in my arms, I was once again reminded of how Great He Is. How Ever Present. How His Hand is in Everything, though I cycle through the moments when I don't acknowledge It.
So, last week was a time of reflecting and praise for this sweet little life.
And then Friday morning came. And I did not pass my boards. And there was such frustration and screaming and crying because I really felt like I deserved to pass. I felt entitled to pass.
Ah, there's the rub.
My selfish entitlement.
When I picked up my God's Word tonight (and my 90 Day study of David that I've been reading though for a year...), I was reminded through Isaiah's words, "Your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear." I have always been an expectant one...looking ahead and what I do not have. But I get so wrapped up in my own sin that I do not see the blessings in front of me. How frustrating it must be for my Father to watch me go through this cycle time and time again.
When we focus more on our battles than on God, our enemy appears bigger, we appear weaker, and our God appears smaller. This cannot be.
If I could, I would sit in the level 2 nursery and love on Ena for all eternity. If I could, I would would make sure I pass my boards this second time around. If I could, I would make sure that my Bible never becomes dusty again. But once again I'm reminded that I need more than my own strength to do these things. I thank God for humbling me through Ena's early birth and my own earthly failure. I am thankful that the wave I was riding crashed last week and left me tiring of treading water. And I pray that I keep my eyes on the One who keeps His eyes on me.
